The title is built on two foundational blocks. One, that there is a a right endeavor one should take to attain a marital relationship. Two, that there is a greater goal to attain than marriage.
By right endeavor I mean the proper fulfillment of responsibilities to be capable for a marital relationship. A part of this would be the action of loving one’s brothers and sisters in Christ by building relationships with them while resting and trusting in the Lord is part of proper fulfillment. Being self absorbed and telling yourself that God will provide your dream spouse is not an aspect of a right endeavor. Now, this is just scratching the surface of understanding and living out a ‘right endeavor.’ There is much much more explanations and thoughts one can write. For a sum-up let me say that it is living out the over flow of gospel community as commanded in passages like Rom 12:9-21; 13:8-14, Phil 2:1-12, Col 3:12-17, 1 Thess 4:2-8, 1 Peter 3:8-9 in and around one’s proper role in finding a spouse. There is the actions one takes to put them in a position that a relationship can grow to be a healthy marriage.
By greater goal I mean the the aim of our predestination, “For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.” (Romans 8:29). The greater goal is God’s work in the believer’s life to make him or her treasure Christ more by growing him or her in holiness.
So how does one not waste their endeavor to be married?
The endeavor to be married can be wasted if one does not see it as a time for God to work the gospel into their life during this specific time. So on the reverse, one does not waste the time, the work and wait for marriage if they let God grow them in love, patience, service, and humility through the time.
Now, this is way more than taking a 3 month long mission trip during the single years. This is about letting the gospel change yourself as you run into the sins of yourself.
I know for myself that as I had followed, and still follow, the aim to be married my own sins have be demonstrated again and again. I have seen my own distrust in the goodness of God. I have seen my own pride and self-dependency. I have had my eyes opened up to the extent of my own selfishness and discontentment. All of this has come to light as I have pursued relationships and been involved in relationships. On the flip side, there has been trust, contentment, service, humility, and dependency worked into my life by the Spirit through each and every trial.
It is a very hard and trying time. There is the hardness of not having a good thing and having the desire for that good thing stalled again and again. Though, there is, also, the hardness of my sins working their destruction in me. There is the hardness of not being more satisfied in Christ as I could be. There is the hardness of being depressed night after night. There is the hardness of my frustrated selfish control of others. There is the hardness of not enjoying the glory of the day because I am discontent. This is hardness that God is gracious enough to mold out of me through the hardness of the right endeavor.
Through my years of walking on this road of endeavor I am learning that my Savior has plans for this time that span to greater places than just giving me the good thing of marriage. There is the place of receiving the best good of being more like the Savior. And attaining the best only makes all the other goods better.
So keep your eyes on being faithful to what Christ calls you to through His word. Don’t waste your endeavor to me married.
Renewing Thoughts 
11 comments
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June 9, 2011 at 11:33 am
amy
Good post. Thanks for sharing.
I added your blog link to my ‘Great Sites’ page on my blog.
June 9, 2011 at 12:54 pm
Charlie
Thanks for reading Amy! Glad you benefited from it.
And thanks for the link.
June 10, 2011 at 11:15 pm
Rachel
Another good post and came just when I needed it! I have been very perplexed about my singleness as of late and was encouraged by this. At this age in our lives we want everything to happen in a blink of an eye especially marriage. We are an “instant gratification” generation! We must remember Psalm 37:3-7. So much molding has been done by the Potter in my single years and such peace when you trust in the Lord and wait on His perfect timing!
June 13, 2011 at 8:16 am
Charlie
Thanks for the comment Rachel. Glad that I could encourage you when you needed it.
I am wondering if I could help with this; what would be the thing that most perplexes you?
June 13, 2011 at 11:03 am
Rachel
Only perplexed, Charlie, when I start leaning on my own understanding and forget to trust in the Lord with all my heart! It is a young ladies way to wonder what may be lacking when she is not married (or at least that is my way). Could it be that she lacks beauty, skill, kindness? Maybe, but God has a perfect plan and timing for the each season of my life which He has had since before I existed and I must remember that. Until then I learn to lean more on the Lord as He does a good work in my life!
A man’s heart plans his way,
But the LORD directs his steps.
Proverbs 16:9
June 14, 2011 at 8:27 pm
Charlie
I can understand Rachel. It is not as if I am without the temptation to worry and fear about my personality and traits.
But in those moments I find it helpful to remind myself who I truly am, a child of the Most High who He made His very own by the death of His Beloved Son. If this is who I am then I find my place in His glorious story, carried by His promises. As you stated, this Father will provided our needs when we need them. It is a matter of believing these promises when feelings and circumstance might suggest otherwise.
So when the temptation you described comes upon me I can either retreat to the promises of my God or I can try to find a savior in identifying the perfect trait to have. But there is only one true Savior.
there is, however, a tight line to walk between our responsibilities and His promises. The perplexity comes in because we know that there is a place to having a good character to being acceptable for a good marriage. There is a responsibility that we bear. I have struggled with this a lot. What I have determined from reading the bible is that God is not a Father who holds a legalistic line before me, “reach this line and you will be married.” That is not the character of my nailed scared Savior. this is not about God sitting back and tapping his foot awaiting me to finely become a godly man. No, God himself has moved into my life to sanctify me (1 Thess 5:23). and the nature of my sanctification is not reaching a magical line of holiness, but it is living the life that is already mine in Christ Jesus (Rom 6:8-11).
Thus, the perception of my life of growth as a single is one of imperfect faithfulness clothed in the righteousness of Christ. The gospel makes it clear that I will never be perfect, or attain perfect character for marriage. I will bring a lot of my imperfections into my marriage. This is not about meeting every standard of the law. This is about seeing myself as a child that God has washed in his forgiveness and lovingly, tenderly, relentlessly, molding in the image of Christ. And it is this faithfulness, walking after my God, step by step that is to be the aim of my life. I am to be striving to considering myself dead to sin and alive to God in my mind while I seek to be obedient to His commands. This is not a line, it is a life. Not defining myself by my perceived success but by who I am in Christ.
Now, on the one hand this does not give an absolute surety that one will be married. But does worrying about personality really give that any way? Does worry add to anyone’s life. But what this does give is the glorious reality that the one who made you and me who we are, who is sanctifying us in the midst of our imperfections , leads us through this life with hands scarred from his purchase of us. We don’t have the guarantee of a spouse, we only have the guarantee of the one who owns every molecule in the galaxy.
Hopefully this makes sense.
June 14, 2011 at 10:35 pm
rachel
Amen, Perfect sense! Thank you 🙂
June 16, 2011 at 8:09 am
amy
I hope it would not be minded if I were to add a comment into your discussion here. I found it to be very helpful to read through. Despite the fact that I’m younger than either of you (17), the temptation to worry over singleness is not absent. All to often I have compared myself with other young ladies trying to analize what qualities they have which make them ‘better’ them myself and coming up with a long list of areas that need to be changed in my life so that when I’m a few years older I shall be the person I need to be. While I think there is a place for endeavoring to be ready, that place comes not through comparing myself to other girls but in looking into the Word of God and learning who the Lord desires me to be.
Anyways, forgive me if I’ve just restated stuff that’s already been said. I often think things through best by writing things out…Btw, you last paragraph, Charlie, was extremely (?) encouraging to me.
“And the nature of my sanctification is not reaching a magical line of holiness, but it is living the life that is already mine in Christ Jesus.” Amen!
June 16, 2011 at 10:16 am
Rachel
Amy, I do believe if we seek the Lord and strive to be what He desires us to be we can not go wrong :)! God will prepare us for what He has for us, whether it be marriage or remaining single, all that we are required to do is strive to be what He wants us to be which is revealed to us through His word!
P.S. I believe I have met your family before(4is years ago at church)! Do you attend the group of home-churches that is run by Jim Elliff??
June 16, 2011 at 10:38 am
amy
Your comment was encouraging, Rachel! Thanks you =)
And yes! I do believe you’re right about having met before! (We are part of the home churches that Jim Elliff began.) How neat that you realized the connection. Anyway, I’ll reply to you further on this on your blog in a few moments!
November 4, 2011 at 2:30 pm
The Crafting of Godly Men « Renewing Thoughts
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